11:17
Dear
B
I
was just writing to say
Dear
B
I
How does one begin a letter like this? It
all sounds too formal, too business-like, which is hardly me and she’d never
believe it anyway, so maybe I’ll try something else:
Dear
B
I
don’t think we can be together anymore.
Bluntness and honesty are always mistaken,
so it doesn’t hurt to sweeten it a little, does it? Can you imagine when she trudges
through the door, expecting to greet you and instead your body has transformed
into scrawny text on a page? What happens if she collapses, has a heart
attack-ok, stop, stop, let’s scrap it and try it again:
Dear
B
For
the past few months, I don’t feel like we’ve been compatible
Compatible? We’re not formats on a
computer, we’ve been together for the past two years and it’s not even that,
it’s just-Let’s take a break and start again later.
14:26
Dear
B,
As
you know, we’ve both been really trying to keep our relationship together.
However, with my work and your health …
I’ve always known her health, so why does
that matter? Is this really all inflated from what she can’t control? God knows
what her fiancée told-screamed into her swollen, sunken skin, about how useless
she’s become. I’ve seen the disappointed look on her mum’s face as I flounce
out of the car, while she’s still drowning in her pullover and draped blanket-I
can’t be like them. Maybe I should think about this.
15:02
Dear
B
I
love you but
Is there a but? Does there always have to
be a negative tailed onto the end? I remember when she’d been crying for two
days and on that deceptively sunny afternoon, we scooted around to the corner
shop and bought ice cream and how happy was she then? There were no ‘ifs’ of
‘if this is the only happy time for the next week’ or ‘but this won’t last’ or
‘when we get home, she’ll be nostalgic and sad and then really fucking sad’.
15:40
Dear
B
This
has been a really difficult decision for me but
God I’m selfish. So bloody selfish to see
this as a difficult route for me, I mean I have selected this card myself; it
hasn’t been forced upon my cheek.
Dear
B
I
have been struggling to put this into words, so I’ve put it on paper instead.
What I wanted to say is that I love you, but I don’t feel like that’s enough to
keep us together anymore. For the past few months, with work and arrangements,
I feel – and you probably do too – that we’re just not right for each other
anymore …
I remember when we first met and it was
that party, was it Rick’s or Richard’s? And everyone was swanning around his
drinks dispenser and she glided over to slosh more wine into her plastic cup
and her cream dress, covered in intricate lace like a bohemian wedding costume,
was already splattered at the sternum which looked like the patter of a crushed
berry. And she smiled and pointed out I had broccoli in my tooth – no one had
said anything until then, so either it was too dark and she was really
scrutinizing my face or she was the only friend I’d take away from there. More
then friend.
17:58
Dear
B
I
can’t put into words how much I love you, but I’m also desperately trying to
find words to tell you that
Is that the front door?
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