Problems with my Name

Trundling mindlessly down the chart, they put on a front of calm, collected, cool. And only when they are in this state is when they see it. They’re getting closer, closer, there’s no way to avoid it, it’s coming, three left, two, one-

“Hel-aayyynaaa?”

“Hel-eeeeena?”

“…Helen?”

At this point in my school life, the whole class will collectively sigh – or scoff – and chant

“No miss, it’s Helena!”

When my parents finally decided my name (having a mum as a teacher meant that many names were rejected, for fear of sudden flashbacks to naughty children picking their noses, or calling her “mum” by mistake) and locked it into place, I doubt the idea that it would ever prove a problem swept into consideration. It’s simple, they would have thought, Helena. And I naively thought this too.

Up until I entered secondary school.

High school opened up many new intrigues for me, but one I didn’t contemplate was that every teacher I ever came across would say my name wrong. Granted the minority who laughed bashfully, announcing their daughter/son/partner has a friend with my name in a different pronunciation so assumed it would be the same (and, consequently, have a full-blown, one-sided conversation about that very amusing fact, as I was desperately trying escape for lunch). But they were the only ones that were forgiven.

The worst culprits were yet to come.

When I entered year 9, my whole maths class tentatively entered the domain of a notoriously evil teacher. And true, he was pretty harsh (but only when teaching – outside of the classroom, he was lovely. Why?), but the one thing I couldn’t stand was that after two years of having him teach me most days a week, he still got my name wrong.

“Sir, it’s Hel-en-na.”

Some must just view it as an exotic attempt of posh, middle-class, Greek, so surely it must not be as simple as ‘Helen’ with an ‘a’ on the end. But, my friends, peers, acquaintances, it is this simple!

And don’t even get me started on Quainton…

 “Quin-ton?”

“Queensland?”

“Quaint-on. IT’S TWO ACTUAL WORDS PUT TOGETHER.”

“Ah yes, Quan-ton. And, how do you spell that?”