Spending a Penny, Spending a Pound?

When faced with primitive problems, we tend to act like our basic form: becoming hangry when hungry, sticking our tongues out in a bid to pant when it’s hot. And when you need the loo and are not allowed to go, contemplate crying and creating a dilemma larger than a delayed train at Marylebone station. Which is exactly what I almost did.

‘Spending a penny’ is a quaint lady and gentleman’s euphemism for going to the bathroom. However in reality, you end up spending much more, as I found out, when I flew off the train in desperation onto Marylebone station, only to be met by physical barriers - like ones placed in expensive theme parks - barring me like an underage at a nightclub from the bathrooms. And to undo these barriers? 30p!
Now I know that in comparison to a morning latte at your favourite coffee shop chain, or buying a mortgage on your first house, 30p is not much. On the other hand, when you are in desperate need to allow a natural bodily function that is free any other time, 30p is a bit bloody much. Especially when you do not have the 10 and 20ps to make the 30p in the first place, as no other coins were permitted.
Luckily, a Godsend of a girl in front of me lent me the money, after we both complained in unison at the extortionate price to ‘spend a penny’.

After I got through the taunting barriers and into a cubicle, I realised I could have melted the very metal they were made from with the anger that surged around me. But, oh, we were just getting started.

Some people may find this graphic, either because they have just walked in from the Victorian era, or they have never had a science lesson in their life. Or they have never encountered a female before. However, for the rest, you can only imagine my horror when firstly I discovered I needed a sanitary product, and secondly, I had to pay £1 for it! And to do this, I had to trudge the walk of shame right down to the end of the cubicles, so everyone paying at the toilet barrier could see the blush on my cheeks expand. Now, not only is menstruation portrayed as this evil and embarrassing palaver anyway, but to then have to pay in order to prevent more humiliation in the first place? (This also harks towards the ‘tampon tax’ but I will not go into that here because that is a much bigger debate.) If I could I would have stormed out in outrage, but I couldn’t, because I needed one. (And to get back in would have cost me another 30p that I didn’t have.) Yet here was where further dismay appeared because I couldn’t get any of the products out of the dispenser! By this point I was sure I was going to cry: huffs escaped from my mouth and smoke bubbled under my knitted hat. Seeing my distress, a kind lady offered me a pound, but again the dispenser wouldn’t take it. She suggested it may be because the evil machine had not been updated to the new pound coins so didn’t register the pitiful money I was hurling into it. This in itself does not make any sense because no one carries old £1 coins anymore, unless for relic purposes (of whom I know no one who does this). So, not only was I humiliated, angry, upset and bleeding, but the machine that may solve one of these problems did not even work!

Thankfully, I found the last coins - two 50ps - in my purse and rammed then into the machine, dashing back with my prize. Which was sad for many reasons, including the fact that this prize was not treasure at all, but a necessity.

Before this had happened, I had found out that I could not go to the gig I had been looking forward to since November to see my favourite band, Marsicans, because of the snow preventing a safe travel home. So, when I was fraught with frustration in front of this archaic sanitary dispenser, I was already pretty unstable. Thus, by sheer willpower, did I not start a hysterical protest, fuelled by anger and tears, in the middle of Marylebone.

To conclude this rant, I would like to pose the question of why we still need to pay to use the bathroom. I do not except the fact that funds are needed to keep the toilets clean, as surely there are reserves of wealth and tax to do this, instead of directing this much needed money to more frivolous ideas. Because I am sure people would much rather me use toilets for free, then go for a wee on the floor of the station.