A Clubbing Guide, From Someone Who Has Never Been Clubbing

So you are about to ‘spend a night on the town’ with your pals, and you are wondering, can anyone offer me any advice on how to have the best experience possible? Well, here is that handy checklist, from someone who is the least experienced about clubbing possible:

1.  Spy your girlfriends from across the room and shimmy over, to the beat of the current ‘banger’ filling the air with thick beats and bass. If you are a guy, however, spot the lads and saunter over, probably shuffling into a designated floor space they have assigned for you within the huddle

2.  Every couple of songs, shout “oi, nah, this is a tune!” to your respective groups (who will nod and repeat back this sentence in approval) and join the shrieking chorus surrounding you. This may also entail jumping.

3.  Contort your lips into an upside-down ‘U’, to resemble a guppy fish. Accompany this with a single, fail-safe dance move, almost always involving bopping your knees up and down to a progressively aggressive beat. This will be useful in any situation during your clubbing experience.

4.  Practice dancing one-handed, so you will achieve the perfect Snapchat angles when filming yourself and friends (or strangers you have labelled as buddies for the time being).

5.  You are going to get hot, so keep hydrated: cocktails and shots are an effective time-filler, while you wait for a glass of water. Once you have finished, get back to dancing!

6.  Bathroom selfies. It does not matter how dirty the mirror is, or how many other people are harmonising their wees in the stalls next to you, work it and get the whole squad into a frame. This applies to boys too.

7.  Make sure to inform everyone the next day how ‘absolutely bevved’ you and your squad got last night, as well as what time you got to bed.