How to Hack the Tube

Recently, I have been venturing regularly into the big ol' city of London, and the only way I could do that consecutively is by the tube. The London Underground! The famous transport that so many other counties have adopted, yet Britain is still worshipped as the best. I am among that flustered flock because three times a week I too try to understand the intricate layout of this transport system. Three weeks into routing towards my new school, I have begun walking across the road even if the green man is not permitting it – I am becoming a true Londoner! To truly transform myself however, I have to learn the covert rules of the London Underground. Because, if you do not know them, there will be a lot of loud tutting behind you.

1. Plan in advance.

I look the night before at the three underground trains I will have to hurl myself onto for the next day, even now. And that is because you do not want to be that person who blocks a tetchy businessman by obsessing over maps. 

2. Motorways are not just for cars.

Ok, we do not all become literal Transformers, crushing photo-snapping tourists in our wake. However, much like a motorway, the escalator splits into speed lanes: if you want to just ride the escalator (like I believe it was intended to be, otherwise why not take your boringness to the stairs?) STAY ON THE RIGHT. I could not recount the numerous times a poor, naive tourist is huffed at by a briefcase wielder. However, if you do have somewhere to be - and are sure you will not trip over any laces - you may proceed to the left, where you can shuffle yourself up the flight instead. (I have been there: you feel as goose-like as you look.)

This is similar in some stations, such as the Green Park Station tunnel, where the two clearly sectioned lanes are in cunningly split again into outside and inside lanes: early-morning slaloming is my new sport.

Not my photo, as I felt to awkward to whip out my phone surrounded by people imagining they were in the Grand Prix.

3. Grasp your ticket!

Unless you have the train ticket/Oyster/debit or credit card firmly in your grip at least 10 feet before the barriers, you have already failed not only yourself, but also the great British public. A bit strong? Possibly. However, as a nervous traveller (can you tell?...) nothing makes me metaphorically and literally sweat more than the idea of holding up 30 impatient adults trying to get to their offices, where they are probably already late and have a meeting in the next 2.64 seconds. You have been warned.

4. People may not talk, but manners do.

Once on a bustling train, I noticed a stooped old woman in the train’s doorframe. And, although there were no seats available originally, not one person even offered her a seat (I was standing under the mass of a man next to me, so unfortunately I was not of much help.) And, this moment was incredibly disheartening because everyone’s minds were mumbling towards their phones. So, if you see anyone pregnant, old, with a young child or just needing a break, try to offer up your seat.

On the other hand, I do know that it is hard to talk to people in London, let alone in a cramped metal box. An old teacher of mine originated from Canada, and when she used the Underground trains for the first time, she tried to greet people, only to be met by cutting glares and shuffled glances. And that is because, unless you know the person you are with, the train is only filled with screeching brakes and the occasional drone of someone’s music through their headphones.

4.5. Everyone listens into your conversations. Yes, even those who appear to be reading: that is usually me, and yes, I am silently laughing along to all your spontaneous comments too.

5. HOLD ONTO THE GODDAMN HANDRAILS!

No one cares if you are macho-man-wannabe-Olympian, I have already had a fully-grown man fall onto me, thinking he would be fine to stand without straddling the handrails and poles around us. One too many! No one cares your hand is too close to theirs on the pole; what we do care about is being crushed.

Yet, although we may complain and rant and generally carry a marginal raincloud over our heads when discussing the Tube, nothing compares for when you are forced to chug along in a bus, after a line problem: it almost makes the London Underground, and it's inhabitants, a appear a little less intimidating.