Ballet Problems

I do not profess to be a world-famous ballerina, fit to be on top of a frosted stage, adorned with silken bows and twelve-plus hours of gruelling pain every day just to be there. But, I have been dancing this Italian-rooted art since the age of five and, although it is simply for hobby purposes, I have discovered that it is not all dance: ballet is fraught with (probably basic and easily solvable) problems:

1.  The trend of bodysuits has not crept but flung itself onto the shopping shelves, and this was swiftly followed by the continuous comments of “isn’t it so annoying when you need a wee and you’re wearing a bodysuit?” “Ugh, being drunk in a bodysuit is the WORST!” “BODYSUIT PROBLEMS!” Those of us who have been a ballet participant have struggled with this problem for a lot longer than this imposter trend: needing the bathroom in class was your ultimate fear (unless your teacher was a literal witch, in which case you had two ultimate fears), and when you got to higher grades, it got worse because you didn’t just have the leotard to contend with but tights too. And, we never had the luxury of poppers either, so just about everything had to come off.

2.  While on the subject of leotards, it did not occur to me when arriving to and exiting ballet, wearing a leotard and tights in public is not really acceptable. (Well, not in the town I live in, where old people sip tea in every window of every coffee shop, and clusters of children skip by to a multitude of primary schools.) But, living the lazy life I do, putting something over your leotard is just too much effort. Especially when all you have to do is jump out of the car, take a few steps, and open the door into our ballet rooms. “There are some bad people out there,” I remember one of my teachers warning us, but this usually is not enough for my lazy self not to grab a cardigan that just covers my body from the bannister and twirl out of the door.

3.   From worshipping Angelina Ballerina, I had always assumed that ballet shoes twined all the way up to mid-calf, delicately trailing to the floor, like a silken ribbon of whipped meringue fluff. Well, for a start, I did not get ribboned shoes until I was in Grade 5 and then I learnt that the ribbons tie in a complex foot-supporting wrap just above your ankle bone. When you least expected it, mid pirouette, the ribbon (which your mum would have undoubtedly sewn, trying to stick within the strict guidelines of the tiny shoe manual) would come lose at the seam, your shoe strewn into the corner of the room. And do not even get me started on the fraying…

4.   Ballet buns. Once again, a complete trend and, I understand, they are great for keeping pesky hairs from your eyes (while looking chic – I hope). However, when you have grown up with – and still display – a fringe, the whole process becomes more complicated: ballet now a-days, I let it be free to bop about on my forehead; the teacher in the grades before, however, would expect no such thing. So, into the mountainous box of clips my hand would delve into, until my head resembled a porcupine covered in hairspray (and superglue). Although dancing with your hair up is so much easier, if you have ever experienced any kind of hair layering, you will understand the weekly struggle of trying to perfect this snail shell on your head.

 5.    Pointe pain. We can all agree nothing hurts more than your toes being squashed into a hard brick of glue.

Pointe through the pain

But, twelve years on, and ballet is still one of my favourite hobbies, and the one I have kept up for the longest. So, it is not all bad – unless your teacher is the literal reincarnation of a witch (trust me, most of us have had one) – and the perks of people’s raised eyebrows in interest and amazement is definitely worth any struggles. Except 'assemblés': they need to go.